When we went on our break, prior to breaking up fully, we had both decided to do “Work”. Individual steps towards being better people. For each of us that was to include therapy. As he often said, “To find out what kind of Men we’re going to be.”
I resent his definition of manhood today.
After our night together on New Year’s Day, we assured each other we would still each do our Work even though we were no longer a couple. This assurance, paired with our having a great day and sleeping together as well as his confessing to me that he didn’t actually know if our story was over, confused the part of my brain that should have known it was. I got my hopes up that with time apart and work, we would come back together eventually ready to tackle life.
I was still dismayed by his being back sexting strangers on the internet mere hours after the breakup and didn’t fully know if I trusted he was Working. Of course, it’s easy to see now that the relationship was over and it didn’t even matter, but his words and actions truly made it seem not-so-over for good. I worried if he didn’t do Work like I was doing, there would be no embers left in us.
So, I continued seeing what kind of Man he wanted to become. He was back on Grindr and Sniffies the minute he returned to his state. He would spend all his free time on the apps—when he woke up, on his lunch breaks, and all evenings after work. He’d be on the apps until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. Never mind that when we spent time together he could never keep his eyes open past 9:30pm. This should have been enough to tell me the truth I wouldn’t accept for some time still: that once he dipped his toes into the world of anonymous sex, nothing else would matter, not even me. This was the routine for over a month, and I would say nothing.
Cameron, you’re crazy!
Is it crazy when you relentlessly pursue your loved one slipping away to chaotic drug use?
My eyes were so veiled. I didn’t see or treat the situation as a break up, full stop. I saw the truly final hope to get my [//name_redacted] back and would move heavens and high waters to keep hope alive. This was futile and naive.